The Book of Ents

Josh · Post by **Josh** » Sat May 02, 2009 12:36 pm

Due to a request from Phil, The Holy Gospal of the Ents is here for all to see

The Book of Ents ? Written by Joshua Muggleton and Luke Hodgman

In the beginning, there was The Bruce. And The Bruce created the bubble, and it was good. Yet The Bruce wasn?t satisfied, so populated the Bubble with OAPs and Students. With nothing for the students to do, The Bruce then created the Union ? and it was shoddy. Then The Bruce said ?let there be light?, and thus was created the Enigma, and it was bad. The Bruce, dissatisfied with the Enigma, created the Pearl, and it did not work ? so The Bruce gave up and moved on. The lack of noise deeply concerned The Bruce, and thus was created the Allen and Heath that played ear-splitting music. With nobody to operate the sound and lights, The Bruce created the Ents crew in his image ? and it was good (for a while). The Bruce then made a temple for his Ents disciples, and named it ?Venue 1?, and the Ents crew rejoiced. Unfortunately, The Bruce forgot to feed his creations, and they soon started to perish, so The Bruce created the Tesco, and filled it with food and grumpy staff, and it was expensive.

In order to test his creations, The Bruce said unto his Ents ?create unto me a bi-weekly event with the holy cheese?. The Ents listened, and thus the bop was born, and many a punter came (to begin with). Then The Bruce said unto his punters ?drink ye not too much of the sweet alcoholic nectar;? yet the students did not listen, and became drunk and randy ? this deeply annoyed The Bruce. The Bruce in desperate need of a solution created the Porters to guard the gateway to the union and the Mandy to rule over them ? and it was good.

One day, an Ent played non-cheesy music at the holy bop ? this sacriledge displeased The Bruce. The Bruce?s wrath knew no bounds; so great was The Bruce?s anger that he created the University, in which all students must toil in useless labour. To those who did not the useless labour, he said ?thou hath displeased me, and you must survive without the Union until thine toil is complete? ? many did not survive.

Soon the punters beseeched The Bruce to create more events, but The Bruce could not be bothered with such trivial things, and thus gave his first child to rule as Director of Events and Services ? and it was pimp. The Director of Events and Services ruled over the Ents, and they created many an event. Yet the Director of Events and Services grew lonely on the first floor, and prayed to The Bruce ?will not thou giveth unto me others to rule by my side??. The Bruce heard the Director of Events and Services plea, and sent him 3 siblings to rule with.

Time passed, and The Bruce became deeply concerned. The Ents crew failed to minute their meetings, and had no structure. The Bruce appeared in a vision to the Ents crew, and said ?Build me a committee with one member who will minute every meeting, one member who will keep cheese playing at the bops, two technical spods who will get blamed when things go wrong, and a first year bitch so thine image will not be one of a complete lemon?. The crew heeded The Bruce?s word, and built him a mighty committee.

Years past, and The Bruce saw his world was lawless. So he said unto the Ents officer to meet him atop of St Rules tower. The ents officer went, and Bruce gave him Lecky tape and Sharpies with which to write down his commandments
1) Thou shalt not fuck with the Bop
2) Thou shalt not volunteer
3) Thou shalt not fail thy degree
4) Thou shalt not play music after the bar closes
5) Thou shalt respect minimal health and safety regulations
6) Thou shalt never read the Manual unless you have to
7) Thou shalt not drink on stage (when people are looking)
8 ) Thou shalt worship no member of staff but me
9) Thou shalt be faithful to the union in all of its doings
10) Thou shalt be deeply concerned

The Ents officer descended St Rules tower and proclaimed unto his ents ?I have the word of The Bruce. Live by it and we shall never know the wrath of The Bruce?, And the Ents rejoiced.

But the Ents were untrained and unskilled, and made frequent fuckups. Thus The Bruce took corporeal form, came to the Union, and prevented many a fuckup. To this day, The Bruce still resides in the Union, and returns to the heavens only when he ?goes to his field?. The Bruce?s children were undisciplined, and could not be bothered with remaining corporeal, and thus their spirits now enters every sabbatical officer elected, and they work wondrous things though them (when they can be bothered). The Sacred Order of the Ents still worship in Venue 1, but while as they were once considered priests which could speak to The Bruce, they are now ridiculed as ?those sad people who do the bop?, and often chose to worship in the spurious holy place of Venue 2. Yet they still toil in the hope of earning The Bruce?s favour, bestowed upon them with a holy Bruce name.

This is the word of the The Bruce, Thanks be to The Bruce

Matthew · Post by **Matthew** » Sat May 02, 2009 7:42 pm

I think we realy should start with CJ

Josh · Post by **Josh** » Sun May 03, 2009 1:35 am

minor amendment made - Thy shalt not commit accademic incest is replaced with Thy shalt not Volunteer

Ruru Hedgehog · Post by **Ruru Hedgehog** » Sun May 17, 2009 9:48 pm

Hehe.
I'm so proud of our work with this one, Josh! =)